Saturday, 3 March 2012

My top ten tips on bringing up sons.

After an incredibly sleepless night I have awoken feeling that I need to do a blog all about the rearing of sons.
I have been a mother to sons for 16 years so I am more than qualified to share my pearls of wisdom with you all (ahem).

1. Bulk buy antibacterial loo wipes. It may also be worth while having a sign made for the bathroom that reads as follows : If you find this lavatory to be in an unsatisfactory state please call (insert ones mobile number) and the lady of the house will restore it to a satisfactory state on her return from her daily food shop.
2. When your son asks you an awkward question, for example, "what does hire a prostitute mean", I find this to be the best response.
"not now son, I am cleaning up your wee with an antibacterial wipe and don't ask anyone else that question particularly your teacher.
3. If your sons ask you if they can have a friend sleep over (let's call the friend 'the big pritch') don't enter into a long debate via text, or phone. This will just waste precious loo cleaning energy and the result is always the same, ie, son arrives at door, the big pritch in tow, and tells you some obvious lie involving the friend virtually being of orphan status.
4. Whilst aforementioned sleepover is underway don't waste crucial toilet wiping energy on uttering these words throughout the night "stop laughing", "stop eating all the crisps" and "it is now getting up time, do you think you should maybe get some sleep".
5. Do always keep a clear memory of what each of your sons look like. This avoids any confusion when you awake to a house with 12 boys that need feeding. Send the unfamiliar ones home unless they are 'orphans' of course.
6. Keep tabs on your washing. If you notice a pair of jeans in the dirty laundry basket that you only ironed 20 minutes previously, remove said jeans from basket, spray with a little febreeze, fold and place back in sons wardrobe. They will never know and they might even be impressed at your speedy laundry service.
7. On receiving the most welcome gift of an IPad from your other half don't for one minute believe it to actually be yours. Do expect to find it under a duvet, battery dead with a fruit pastel stuck to it's screen.
8. Don't bother to purchase any clothes for teenage sons. Just hand over vast amounts of cash and expect to be rather shocked when they return home with one pair of designer jeans and no change. They have actually now become fashion gurus and you are deemed to be an embarrassment of epic proportions even when wearing your bestest gear.
9. When dropping your sons at school do play your favourite music full blast, do toot the horn as they walk towards their pals and you absolutely must shout out of the window that you love them and that they have a great day at school. They appear to not like this but deep down I can assure you that they really appreciate your kind words.
10. Be prepared on the food front. If making a recipe for 5 adults, double all the ingredient amounts and serve a load of bread as a side. Buy cereal twice a day. Do expect that your cupboards will always be empty apart from any healthy food offerings that will remain there until way beyond their sell by dates. Offer a menu choice, you might as well as they never fancy the same things.

I am sure I have missed some crucial tips from this list so I may be back with more as they occur.
I am going away tonight for a good sleep.
There are 6 boys in my house this morning and as far as my memory goes I am convinced I only gave birth to 3.
Before I go off for my mini break I will have to clean the loo and do a 'big shop'.
Have you got any pearls of wisdom to share with me?

This pic just about sums it up!


  1. This is absolutly hilarious! Me and the hubby loved this post x

  2. This made me laugh for ages!!!! being the mother of the other species, now 18, although part of me will be sad when he leaves for uni in September.....the motherly part....the other part is already mentally stringing up the flags and waving goodbye! I will not miss the 'Mum I'm cleaning my room because my girlfriend is coming over', only to discover 4 minutes later that this involves shovelling all the C**p out the door onto the landing! oh I could go on........x enjoy your mini break x

  3. Great post. You might like this poem about mothers.