Sunday, 15 July 2012

Katie Holmes-Cruise, I'm here for you!

I feel for KHC, not because she is too beautiful, part of a dangerous cult and just recently separated from a short man ( although I did have to once separate from a short man ).
What I do share with KHC is the challenges of parenting a six year old and I think I have some advice that she may very well need.
I of course am not a single parent, I have Mr Betty, but I was once a single parent and it is tough although a shared custody agreement can bring such delights as a girls holiday to Ibiza and many more things one never thought they may experience once a mother.......Oooh the memories.

Anyhows, back to my WOW (words of wisdom).
I am no super parent, trust me on this, but what I do know has come from experience mainly of a grim nature. So, here are a few tips that I think may be of help.

1) when in a busy supermarket checkout queue and your 6yr old asks "mummy, is herpes a swear word" don't try and brush their enquisitive little query aside. What I have found is that these sorts of questions need a short, satisfactory answer. If one attempts to merely ignore said query what may happen is that 6yr old then makes the enquiry into a ditty and even adds in a catchy little tune.
Whilst ones child is singing the ditty the rest of the aforementioned supermarket queue becomes involved in their thirst for knowledge and the child will then thrive on the general amusement that has been caused.
So, by way of support in this kind of circumstance, here is a general answer that can be used in a number of instances. please feel free to use it if the need arises.
" yes, herpes is a swear word, I don't know what it means but I do know that you can be arrested for using it in a supermarket "
You may also add that sirens can be heard approaching, if extra clout is required.

2) this is an essential list of 'top shelf items'
This has nothing to do with rude magazines btw

This is a general guide to the items that really should be kept on a top shelf at all times and I will be showing some rather disturbing photographic evidence of what may happen if these rules are not abided too.

Crayons - not fun, never comes off walls, crumbly, strangely drawn to mouths.

Playdough - only to be played with under scrutinous observation. Not fun, never comes out of carpets, crumbly, strangely drawn to mouths (and hair).

Water guns - once in a child's hand they can never be removed. Only to be played with in the garden when temperatures go over and above 100f. A guaranteed start to sibling wars and eventual tears ( most likely the parents).

DVDs that look like cartoons but are actually South Park (secretly owned by older siblings).
The story about this is too painful to recount. It involved salty balls, a dinner lady and a rather serious and awkward after school discussion......lets move on.

Scissors (this is where photographic evidence will be used).
A big part of the whole 'motor skills development process' is the use of scissors, every mother knows this. Ones 6yr old will sit for a happy hour or two, scissors in hand, concentration on face, maybe with their little tongue sticking out for added focus. The joys of using scissors, the danger.
Ones 6th old will cut out a wonderful assortment of shapes and maybe even involve some sticky tape ( put that on the top shelf too).
Once the initial buzz of using a pair of scissors has worn off things can go downhill quite rapidly. I think the best word to use would be carnage.
Don't think that child's safety scissors are a reason to be less vigilant. It is amazing how determined a 6 yr old can be when armed with some crocodile scissors.

I think I will end this part of my advice page now as I have some itchy patches developing around my neck.

To keep this simple I have decided to compile two toy categories. Good toys and Bad toys.

Good toys
Lego (unless stood on, and you will, possibly many times in a day).
Action man/Barbie plus accessories.
Sticker books, story books, any books (maybe not 50 shades of grey or the karma sutra).
Colouring books and colouring aparatus (not crayons or anything permanent).
Farmyard + assortment of animals (dinosaurs seem to be ok within this category although prone to getting stuck in the hen house).

Bad toys
(see top shelf advice)
Light sabres, nerf guns and boomerangs.
A combination of the above two items.
Washing line prop.
Elastic bands.
Gaffer tape.
A lemon squeezer combined with any sort of fruit or veg.
Daddy's tools.
A shower attachment.
Important keys.
A garlic press combined with any sort of fruit or veg.
Plasticine (top shelf it immediately).
Technology belonging to older siblings.
Technology belonging to daddy.
Technology belonging to mummy.

Of course, my 6 yr old is perfect and this advice page has been composed using stories from other less perfect mothers.
My itchy patches are now moving down from my neck to my torso so I think I may have to come back to this post at a later date, it must be the pollen.
I am off to the fair today to run my little stall of goodies.
'Magpies and I' is from 11 til 4 in the Market Hall, Altrincham. See you there if you dare!

Tonight I will mostly be removing gaffer tape from the washing line prop, picking play dough out of Lolas fur and adding household objects to the top shelf.

- Posted using IPad and half my brain.


  1. Aint this the truth - all shelves should be top shelves when the kids are little lol!

    Except of course, when number 2 son watched Home Alone and thought he could scale the bookshelf to get at what was on the top shelf - lets leave it there shall we??


  2. LOL! Needed that thanks! ;)

  3. You make me laugh ......a lot :-).....I have another one to add...don't leave green pens lying around after your children have just watched a hulk film...resulting in a green child...lots of scrubbing and a strange tinted skin colour for several days ......see you later when we can compare rashes xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Or a red marker pen after watching Johnny English...stained red lips!(not so good on boys!)

  4. Haha, great tips! I sometimes work in my Mum's shop, and I love it when coincidentally sirens are in the background whilst a child is being naughty & their parents tell them the police are coming to arrest them!

    Hope your fair was good today! XO.

  5. This has really made me chuckle. and i will try and remember this for when I have a six year old!

    Kate xxx

  6. Great to meet you today at Altrincham Vintage Market Emma, I love the blog, I've been chuckling my head off.
    Pop over to see your link on mine in the morning (Monday).
    I will be staying tuned.
    Lynn and the Doodly Birds

  7. Ha ha ha! Your blog really makes me chuckle, especially when i've had a few glasses of wine! xxx

  8. I love this did make me smile, all things I have to look forward to in the not to far off future. Thanks for the advice :)
    Magie x

  9. Brilliant, thank you for making me laugh so much!
    Thea x